Stupid Christmas Carols - 'Twas the Night Before Christmas

Twas the night
Before Christmas
When all through the house
Not a creature was stirring
Not even a mouse

The stockings all hung
By the chimney with care
In hopes
That St. Nicholas
Soon would be there

The children were nestled
All safe in their beds
While visions of sugarplums
Danced in their heads

And mom in her kerchief
And I in my cap,
Had just settled down
For a long winters nap

When out on the lawn
There arose such a clatter
I sprang from my bed
To see what was the matter

Away to the window
I flew like a flash
Tore open the shutters
And threw up the sash

The moon on the breast
Of the new fallen snow
Gave the lustre
Of midday
To object below

When what
To my wandering eyes
Should appear
But a miniature sleigh
And eight tiny reindeer

With a little ol driver
So lively and quick
I knew in a moment
It must be St. nick

More rapid than eagles
His courses they came
As he whistled
And shouted
And called
Them by name

Now dasher
Now dancer
Now prancer
Now vixen
On comet
On cupid
On donder
An blitzen

To the top
Of the porch
To the top
Of the wall
Now dash-away
Dash-away
Dash-away all

As dry leaves
Before the wild
Hurricane fly
When they meet
With an obstacle
Mount to the sky

So up
To the housetop
The courses
They flew
With a sleigh
Full of toys
And St. Nicholas too

And then
In a twinkling
I heard on the roof
The prancing
And pawing
Of each little hoof

As I drew in my head
And was turning around
Down the chimney
St. Nicholas
Came with a bound

He was dressed
All in fur
From his head
To his foot
And his clothes
Were all tarnished
With ashes and soot

A bundle of toys
He had flung
On his back
And he looked
Like a peddler
Just opening
His pack

His eyes
How they twinkle
His dimples how merry
His cheeks
Were like roses
His nose like a cherry

His drawl little mouth
Was drawn up like a bow
And the beard of his chin
Was a white as the snow

The stump of his pipe
He held tight
In his teeth
And the smoke it
Encircled his head
Like a wreath

He had a broad face
And a round little belly
That shook when he laughed
Like a bowl full of jelly

He was chubby and plump
A right jolly old elf
I laughed when I saw him
In spite of myself

A wink of his eye
And a twist of his head
Soon gave me to know
I had nothing to dread

He spoke not a word
But went straight
To his work
And filled
All the stockings
Then turned
With a jerk

An laying a finger
Along side his nose
An giving a nod
Up the chimney
He rose

He sprang
To his sleigh
To his team
Gave a whistle
An away
They all flew
Like the down
Of a thistle

But I heard him exclaim
As he drove out of sight
Happy Christmas to all
And to all a goodnight


     This is probably the longest Christmas song that I've written about, nearly 120 lines. Before you counter that this is only a poem, BOOM! It might not be a Christmas Carol in the wide generalization that is used to commonly refer to Christmas carols, but whatever, I'm going to write about this, it's my blog, sue me. (no actually don't)
     Lets jump right in by asking why this person knowingly has mice in their house, unless of course they are pets, which is a possibility, but it just seems odd to say "not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse" It leads me to believe that usually during the night this person hears mice scurrying around in their house, bro call an exterminator, or buy yourself a few traps. Mice carry disease and nibble holes in stuff, they aren't good to have sneaking around in your house. Plus I think reindeer are scared of mice, or was that elephants that were scared of mice?
     I'm not huge into all the Christmas traditions, but doesn't St. Nicholas come around the 12th or something, fairly certain he comes before Christmas Eve. So the stockings should have already been filled by him, now if Santa wants to fill those same stockings that's fine, but St. Nick isn't going to show up on Christmas eve, you already missed that window.
     Am I the only person that thinks it is weird that the kids have been put to bed, and the parents are just going to take a long nap, why not go to bed too, is it really so important to get up super early, and don't worry, the kids will wake you up super early, sleep and get as much rest as you can, it's not healthy to be sleep depraved.
     I do have to give credit where it is due, and this person does the right thing in going to the window to see what is making the noise on the front lawn, any parent that wouldn't do that, and ensure their children's safety honestly has no right to be a parent. It just gets weird here, St. Nick, who by the way isn't the guy with the sleigh, that's Santa. So St. Nick lands the presumably stolen sleigh on the front lawn, and then proceeds to fly to the top of the porch, and the top of the wall. Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't the sleigh fly? and if it does, why land on the ground, just to have to fly up to the roof again. As physics teach up an object at rest wants to stay at rest and an object in motion wants to stay in motion. Why make the poor reindeer exert extra energy to start and stop this extra time, it would be far more efficient to simply land on the roof from the get go. Not only would landing on the roof save energy but it would save quite a bit of time I imagine. I can't see reindeer being able to take off vertically, so they probably have to circle around the house a few times to reach the roof, where they then have to stop. St. Nick needs to do two things, 1. return the sleigh the Santa, the rightful owner. 2. take a few lessons from a time management person.
     I do wonder how exactly Santa, err, St. Nick gets down these chimneys, he is all covered in soot, but there wouldn't be soot in a chimney if it weren't used, and if it is used why wouldn't they be using it on Christmas eve? There should be a fire in that fireplace, which one would think would burn the fat guy shimmying down. On the same topic, why is his beard white as snow when his clothes are covered in soot? what kind of hair does this guy have, where soot won't soil it, but will his clothes, so strange.
     Nice of this guy to come breaking into peoples houses and then expose them to harmful second hand smoke, not only do you get gifts from a guy that uses slave labor but you get lung cancer too, what a deal!
     This, (A wink of his eye And a twist of his head Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread) I just, I don't know, it makes no sense. When did winking and twisting your head become a sign of peace? If somebody just slithered down my chimney I don't think a wink and twist of the head would mean peach to me, I would be just as confused as if he hadn't done that.
     Last thing, and I realize this is just word games and semantics at this point, but 'he drove out of sight' I thought he was in a flying sleigh, you don't usually drive flying things, you fly them. I've never heard people talk about pilots driving planes,
 

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